So this may come out slightly bitter. Whenever I walk out of Art Methods class, I feel pretty broken. It’s not the fault of my glorious art teachers, but my own insecurities and fears eating away at me. I could say it is because of my insane past, and existence in general, that has been a complete mind fuck in itself. Or that it is the emotional toll from that lovely little once a month visit. Though these may be prevalent in my daily life, they should not be mixed with my interactions with others. I heard this interview with one of my idols. He talked about how his father and two brothers died when he was very young. He said that everything after that point had a lack of importance in the bigger scheme of things. He was not intimidated or phased really by threats from teachers and adults growing up. And although I do not want to be totally unresponsive to reality, I can take some of those lessons from him.
I need to think about what is really important in myself and not let other things that are fleeting reach that inner space. Because that way of living is really only hurting my drive and motivation to achieve anything. This has always been something that has stunted my growth mentally. Feeling like the whole world is against me and that the ideas I have are inadequate. Rejection is an important reality. It sucks, but it can make a person stronger and better.
Since my idea for The Collection Project were completely bashed apart, I have reversed slightly and thought of something new. I sort of realized how confusing my pieces were together while talking about them out loud. I understand, but felt I got really no support at all for my efforts. Oh well, that is life. I do have a concrete idea now. Though I don’t know how it will be received. Really I do not care anymore though. I am just going to do it and turn it in and be done with all this.